Condition Sensitive: Making Fun of 2012 Heritage

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Making Fun of 2012 Heritage

(get it posed, Posey, there has to be
something there)

Disclaimer: I am not trying to bash Topps Heritage, I know people enjoy it and good on them, but I personally have no attachment to any set prior to 1971 so I care not for Heritage, this is just my personal option and an attempt (perhaps a poor one) at humor. Here are my reasons for making fun of Heritage.

Reason 1: Glamor shots, I hate posed head shots, it makes me think of Deb from Napoleon Dynamite, I imagine it going down like this, just replace Buster Posey for Uncle Rico.

[Deb is making a glamor shot of Uncle Rico]
Deb : Okay, turn you head on more of a slant...
[all three turn their heads in a slant]
Deb : Now, make a fist. Slowly ease it up underneath your chin.
[all three slowly ease up fists under their chins]
Deb : This is looking really good.
Kip : You can say that again.
[Uncle Rico acknowledges]
Deb : Kay, hold still right there. Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.
[Uncle Rico pictures it and give a gleaming look at the camera]
Deb : [takes the picture] That was the one. I think that's gonna come out really nice.
Uncle Rico : Ah, how you did it... wow... well I felt really relaxed. Thanks Deb.
[Uncle Rico puts his fist down, then swats a fly]
Uncle Rico : You're up Kip.
Kip : Is there some kind of vest that I can wear?

Reason 2: This years weird backdrops, Justin Verlander looks like he either dropped in a the local mall for a glamor shot by Deb, or is hiding from velociraptors. The Red Sox are just dudes standing in front of a chain link fence, excitement, and what is in the backdrop of the Rockies pictures, they look like Bulbasaur getting ready to do a vine whip attack. "Tulo, I choose you!!!"

Justin's Mom wishes he
smiled more in pictures

Tulo is weak against fire types

Chrome, Mulitplayer, Floating Headshots!!
RUN IN TERROR!!!

Reason 3: Floating heads. Congratulations Thomas Field, your head is on a baseball card, maybe someday your body will be too. I understand the old vintage sets were swimming in floating heads, I just dislike them, they are creepy.

Reason 4: Chrome cards, I dislike chrome as a rule, but in throwback sets it just seems wrong, even wronger with floating chrome heads.

Reason 5: Multiplayer cards, both Drew Pomeranz and Jordan Pacheco have regular cards and floating head multiplayer cards, why? These suck for team collectors, I collect Pomeranz and Field but care little for Brett Pill, and whoever that Cardinal is.

Reason 6: Head shots, I know the vintage sets were all posed, but after seeing how amazingly awesome 2011 Minor League Heritage looked with action photos on vintage designs, a set of posed head shots is a letdown.